Introduction: The Causes of Conflict
Separation and divorce are among life’s most difficult and stressful events. A relationship that you thought would last forever has gone sour. There is much disappointment. And there is often much anger, bitterness, and conflict — before, during, and after the break-up.
Introduction
Chapter 1: Carrying Messages
Divorced parents usually try to avoid talking to each other. They may be tempted to have the children do their talking for them. This creates a problem for children because many of the messages they are asked to deliver are difficult and usually cause an unpleasant reaction in the other parent. Children then feel torn between the parents, responsible for what happens next, guilty for upsetting a parent, and generally unhappy and resentful about being the messenger.
Introduction
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Chapter 2: Put Downs
For most couples, divorce or separation occurs because at least one of the partners is very hurt, angry, or disappointed. A combative divorce process makes these strong negative emotions even worse. Parents often "trash" one another. There is a powerful urge to let others know how much the parent has been hurt or wronged and to complain about how thoughtless or mean the co-parent is. A parent may seek revenge or an outlet for his or her frustrations.
Introduction
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Chapter 3: Money Problems
After divorce or separation, money usually becomes tighter for both parents. During the time parents lived together, arguments occurred most often over how each parent spent or saved money. After separating, this issue is still ripe for disagreements. Since parents are still linked through child support and other expenses arising from having children, they can never really be free of each other until the children are grown, and often are linked together even long afterward.
Introduction
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Chapter 4: Questioning
When children spend time with each parent in two different homes after a separation, both parents have a right to have certain information about the children's life in the other home. This is particularly true regarding school, doctor and dentist visits, clothing needs, special outings, and the children's general well-being and adjustment to their new lives. Sometimes, however, the children may be a tempting source of information about the other parent's life that may not be appropriate.
Introduction
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Chapter 5: Never Married Parents
There has been a real shift in the relationships of parents who come to court over their children. It used to be that most divorcing or separating parents were in a traditional relationship with a man and a woman who were married. Now, many of these parents are not married to each other. Some parents have lived together—and raised their children together— for many years. They may be same-sex couples who did not have the option to marry or people who simply chose not to marry for other reasons. Some parents have had just a few years of raising their children together, and others have never lived together and have no experience with co-parenting.
Introduction
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Chapter 6: Arriving Late
Let’s take a look at a couple of parents who are having a lot of conflict. Maybe you can see yourself in this situation. Let’s look at WHY these two people fight. What’s in the way of being reasonable? What “buttons” is each pushing to get the other one upset? What do you think their daughter is feeling?
Introduction
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Chapter 7: Communication Problems
Divorcing/Separating parents tend to have a lot of conflict and little communication. Conflict resolution isn’t easy to achieve, but it can be done with continuing to use the skills you have learned. In this scene, Sean comes home from his Dad’s house and has not yet started his book report. It is now Sunday and Mom is not happy that he had two weeks to complete the report but didn’t. Dad is upset that Mom didn’t have Sean complete the report before his weekend.
Introduction
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Chapter 8: Parents Not Talking
Ashlyn’s father arrives a little early to pick her up for his time with her, but Mom sees this as him trying to manipulate her. Mom makes Ashlyn wait to go out to the car with her Dad and in turn, Dad gets upset with Ashlyn for having to wait.
Introduction
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Chapter 9: Parents At School
When Dad shows up at Armand’s school, both parents and the new boyfriend have a hard time communicating effectively. Both Mom and Dad call for Armand once he exits his class and put him in the middle of a tug of war. In situations such as this, where both parents want to be there for their child, there are many things that they could do to ease the distress of separation or divorce on their child(ren).
Introduction
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Conclusion
In summary, the tasks of letting go of anger, reducing conflict with the other parent, and learning to do parallel parenting are tough challenges. If you work on giving the other parent the benefit of the doubt and remember that you both have very similar goals for your children, these skills will work much better. Your conflict will not change overnight, but with your determination and focus on your children’s needs, you will surprise yourself how far you can progress. You can improve your children’s chances for future happiness and good adjustment by staying in regular contact with them and shielding them from your conflicts with their other parent.
Conclusion
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